30 Reasons Why Stig the Drummer was Late for Rehearsal

1. Fell asleep. And then some kids poked him with a stick, so Stig woke up. Late.

2. Fly on pants was stuck. Stuck bad.

3. Hair got savaged in blender.

4. Wasn’t sure if it was Tuesday or Wednesday because on Tuesday they put out old Dennys burgers that no one ate but today they didn’t so Stig doesn’t know.

5. Stig tried to pay bus fare with an old nose ring.

6. Got lost reading encyclopedia, letter B, about butterflies, and the whole chrysalis thing was too much for Stig.

7. Dad called to yell at him for being Stig.

8. Cabs hate Stig.

9. Thought north was for sure that direction when it was really that direction.

10. Time is a lie, says Stig.

11. Was mad when singer said thing about Stig’s ornamental crouch pouch, which Stig ornamented himself. Singers are jerks.

12. Ancestral home, Kafellnaberg, turned 500 years old so was required to celebrate by drinking and falling naked into snowbank.

13. New skull tattoo festered. Not good.

14. Heard band was going to practice hard rock version of “What a Feeling”– singer’s idea (of course)– so Stig thought he would pass.

15. Was feeling “wan,” a word he heard on tv show one time.

16. Bassist smells funny. Like paper products, on account of his job.

17. Had to go see “Whiplash” (again) and yell at screen when JK Simmons comes on (every time).

18. Had tooth pulled. Stig forgot why.

19. Because the only good calendar is the kind that hides chocolates.

20. Last rehearsal, guitarist started telling drummer jokes but Stig couldn’t think of any guitarist jokes so now he feels inadequate.

21. Eye liner infection. Not good, either.

22. The dog ate his homework. “The dog” being the name of his old high school drinking buddy.

23. More into, you know, improvising, than rehearsing, man.

24. Stig had fight with girlfriend and girlfriend threatened to kick him out and so Stig had to do that thing with her that not even Stig likes doing.

25. Can’t cross Main Street anymore on account of what he did to that fire hydrant last Sunday (he pooped on it).

26. Stig found out that some aboriginal people believe the dream world is real world and vice versa so instead of going to jam he got dressed up in nun’s habit and handed out free pickles from a large wicker basket.

27. Saw “The Jinx” and got scared of old man. 28. Mom called to yell at him for being Stig.

29. Had to go to court (again).

30. Killer bees. At least that’s what Stig heard.

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